My grandfather passed away and his funeral was a couple of weeks ago. I was asked to come and see him at the hospital before he passed away. I didn't go. I was asked to come to calling hours when he did pass. I didn't go. I was asked to come to the funeral. I did go to that. But let me be clear. I went to be there for the rest of my family, not to pay my last respects, because frankly, I had no respect for this man. I know, I know, you probably think I'm awful.
Let me explain.
I am not dramatic. I rarely ever cry. I am brutally honest and I tell it like it is. Always. When you are looking for an honest answer and an evaluation or plan of attack for fixing something - I'm your girl. So let's be honest. I'm not usually the first person my friends go to when they are looking for sympathy. It's not that I can't be sympathetic, but fixing things is what I'm better at.
Personally, when I'm in a complicated situation or something bad happens, the last thing I am looking for is sympathy. I'd rather get on with it and find a solution to my problem as quickly as possible.
That being said, I have had a few relationships in my life that I considered to be "toxic." Not surprisingly, I didn't have a problem at all when it came to cutting ties in those cases. I'm very confident in my decisions when it comes to these types of situations. One of these relationships was with my grandfather.
When I was in 8th/9th grade, my mom, brother, and I had to live with my grandparents for a few years. As a single mother, there where times when my mom struggled. This was one of those times. My grandfather was an alcoholic - a mean one. He made our lives hell.
You can say/do what you want to me - and we'll deal with that. But when you hurt my family, I'm not very forgiving. The way my grandfather treated my mom and my brother was unforgivable as far as I am concerned. Not only that, but not even once did he ever take any responsibility for things he did/said... he was never sorry for any of the hurt or humiliation he caused. The day we moved out was the day I decided I was done having anything to do with him. I have not, nor will I ever regret that decision.
My grandfather continued to be an alcoholic until the day he died. He treated his family horribly. But for some reason, most people excused his behavior. There are people in my family who cannot understand how I could make the decision to have no contact with my own grandfather.... they say, "but, he's family." Just as they don't understand my decision to cut any and all ties, I don't understand their decision to allow themselves to be treated this way by a family member just because "family is family." Not that I feel I need to justify my decision - but I have had to remind these family members from time to time that just as I made a choice, so did he.... to continue to treat people with no respect. Just because we are blood does not give you the right to treat me (or the rest of your family for that matter) any worse than what I would accept from a total stranger.
Sure, there were times over the years when it would have been nice to have a relationship with my grandfather. But a "normal" relationship with him was never a possibility. It came with a cost, but I did what I had to do to "fix" my situation the best way I could. My grandfather was destructive in my life, my brother's life, and my mom's life. I took a stand, and I have made peace with my decision. I refuse to let anyone tell me I am the one who was wrong.
What about you? Have you ever had to end a friendship/family relationship? Could you do it?
I can tell you that you are a "tell it like it is" woman, and I love that about you. I always want to tell it like it is, but I have no confidence in myself, so I love living vicariously through people who do!
ReplyDeleteI understand your reasoning. I admire it. So many times, people enable one another by letting them get away with things because theyre family. It never makes the person whos causing the pain change anything about themselves.
Thanks for keeping it real :)
I don't know how I just stumbled upon your blog, but I love this post. I am the same way; frank, no time for sympathy, a problem solving girl. I have had to do this before. It is one of my Aunts, and I have not spoken to her in 6 yrs. She tries to talk to me and find me on FB, she emails me, texts me, and I'm the only one in the family who holds her accountable for her fucked up life and choices. So...I continue to "disown" her. She is a miserable, pathetic woman who sucks the light and joy out of everybody elses life and I have NO TIME for that. So many other people in my family she has done MORE wrong to than me, but they continue to allow her to suck off of them. I don't. I just don't tolerate it.
ReplyDeleteSo yes, I am like you. I do what needs to be done. I do what's best for me and my boys, and that's all I concern myself with!!!
Oh, where do I begin??LOL OK, a few family members have been in this category, but I will have to go with my youngest sister. She's 8.5 years younger than me. When we were young, we were close. At age 12 or so, she became a "wild child." Mom was a single parent and did her best. But Cindy was out of control. Her teenage years were hell on all of us. She got pregnant when she was 14 and wasn't a good mother at all. Her daughter will be 18 in January and, as of a few years ago, my mom and step-dad have custody of her. Anyway, while my mom was in the process of trying to get her daughter away from her, Cindy was HORRIBLE...they had to go to court and she was saying what a bad mom OUR mom was, etc. PLEASE! We grew up in the same house, so I'm pretty sure I know what went on! So she pretty much disowned us all, though she does talk to mom some now. I haven't seen or talked to her in over 2 years. Yes I miss her, but she needs to take responsibility for all the hell she put us thru all these years and I don't think she ever will. She's 32 now and pregnant again.:( I always thought it was a blessing that she couldn't get pregnant after the 1st time..some people shouldn't be parents..but here she is pg again. This one is a girl too..so hopefully she will be a better parent this time...though somehow I doubt it.:(
ReplyDeleteThis person would be my own mother. She blows up and says the first truly hurtful horrible thing that comes to mind and then tried to apologize for it later. We've been in nasty verbal and physical fights throught all my teen years and just verbally now in my adulthood. If my sister or I go to her with a problem she tells everyone she knows about it and tries to make it seem like we are going to die and look for sympathy. I can't stand it and now that I have my own son, I can't let her do that to him.
ReplyDeleteIt's tough but I have to protect him like I wasn't.